The Nitty Gritty

When I started this blog, I really didn’t think it would be such a focused blog. I read about how to “successfully run a blog”, but that wasn’t really my main goal. I just wanted a place to type it all out. Maybe get some feedback from lovely strangers… But I didn’t imagine it would be so entangled with my life.

I experienced a panic attack this weekend. It was the scariest, most out of control thing I have ever endured. And my boyfriend was really really helpful about it. Once I’d had a considerable cry, and wasn’t able to stop, he hugged me and asked me to focus on breathing deeply. We sat there for a while, him breathing with me. Then he slowly asked questions: What was bothering me? Why was I upset?

I traced back to my conversation with a co-worker about being sick for so long. He has asked me if I was stressed, and I replied I haven’t had a job this stress-free for seven years. He shook his head and said that he meant life stress too, that stress doesn’t always come from work. Our conversation got interrupted and we didn’t resume it. However, the thought of what could be stressing me out made me think.

For most of my life I have been aware that I am not comfortable with myself. I stay busy all of the time, scheduling every minute of my day has been “just how I am”. But maybe that’s contributing my health issues now.

I spent half my weekend trying to not panic about having another panic attack. I was so worried about it happening again, that I couldn’t focus on anything else. I am happy to say that I did stop worrying about for the other half of the weekend, but even now it’s on the edge of my mind.

If you’ve ever experienced panic attacks, what did you do? I tried the following:

  • deep breathing
  • guided meditation
  • a bubble bath with spearmint and eucalyptus
  • talking with my boyfriend

I also texted my step-mom who had experienced panic attacks a few years ago. I asked her what steps she took. She said to not hide it, that having someone talk to you during an attack helps, and to not worry about it (though it’s easier said than done she admitted). She said they went away after a while, and she did get a prescription from her doctor for a fast acting pill to have with her. She said just having it with her made her feel better, it was more of a safety blanket than anything. We both agreed that in our case, the thing we feared most was a lack of control. It was really helpful to talk to her. She was honest and said that in certain situations she can still get an attack, but she knows what it is, and finds that if she chooses the “fight” option of the “fight or flight” running through, then it often eases up. 

My aunt suggested I see a therapist. I will go and see one. It feels a little bit silly, although I know that it isn’t. I just get hung up on the fact that I only saw a councilor when I experienced big, emotional events in my life. And this doesn’t feel like that level of a problem. But maybe it is. I certainly don’t sit down and deal with problems, I go so far as to acknowledge something that is upsetting and then I move on. 

So there we have it folks, I really truly am going to have deal with myself and get some damn peace! I know it won’t be an overnight change. Hell it might not even be a ten step guide, it sounds more like I’ll have to learn it and re-learn it my whole life. But I’d rather be comfortable with myself I think.Who knows? Maybe it will help with my stomach issues!


Hope you are staying happy and healthy folks, I’m off to enjoy some reading in the sun before dinner with my boyfriend and his mom.  ❤


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