I spent the past couple days at the beach. It was so nice to lose track of time, and to be with friends that are so laid back. We read side by side, chatted about everything. We played catch in the water, on the field, we brought blankets and frisbees and snacks, endless snacks. It was just what I needed to feel like I had tasted summer.
What bits and pieces of summer do you need to make it feel like you’ve enjoyed your time in the sun?
Getting back to the more serious things in my life, I have been seeing a therapist. I have had two visits with her and she diagnosed me with complex PTSD and depression. I always thought PTSD was strictly for people who came back from war, or endured extremely traumatic events. My therapist explained that the anxiety/panic attacks would have come from this PTSD and that the adding of the word “complex” meant that I had endured a lot of traumatic events that come flooding back when I stop moving and allow myself to think.
She gave me CD’s to guide relaxation. It’s funny to think about learning how to relax, but a person like me can really benefit from it. I tried the first one today, and it felt like waking up from a very refreshing deep sleep. It’s called “Letting go of Stress” by Miller and Halpern.
Have you ever tried a guided relaxation? Or progressive relaxation?
I have tried guided meditation as well as yoga, and found that they are both relaxing, but that they do require a degree of concentration. Like any exercise, you are training your body, or in this case: your mind, to follow a certain pattern or path.
I’m also learning more about my past than I ever really wished to understand. My first serious boyfriend had quite the impact on my life, and not in a way that I enjoy. He found out recently that he has borderline personality disorder. (Explanation here) It explains so much of our relationship. A relationship in which I felt like if I could just be sadder than he was, then maybe he could feel better. A rationale that could not have been more wrong, but was none the less stuck in my head. I am thinking more about the ways in which I have adapted to my stepmom, a walking on eggshells life that made me feel more like I was wearing a smiling mask than truly living. I am looking back in a way that feels less painful than before, of how I actually felt when my dad didn’t “take my side” as I grew up. The way I felt like an adult and like a foolish child all at once as I grew up. My relationship with myself was a critical one, and I never stopped moving, even up until the past couple weeks, for fear of facing myself.
The next two days I have to myself at home. I slept in, eased into a day mostly outside. Going inside only for food or to switch the laundry. I’m making my way through a novel called The Vacationers by Emma Straub. It’s wonderful to read for long stretches of the morning or the afternoon. I am also excited to pick something out of my gluten free cookbook to make for a potluck at a friend’s place this weekend. I love food so much, even if it doesn’t like me back!
So on that note, I’ll wrap things up here and go back to my reading and sunshine swallowing. I hope you lovely people enjoy your summers and find some peace in your own little corners of the universe. ❤