UnEdit

I was going to do a well thought out post today. Explain that I came home sick from work today. And calmly relay to you how terrible I felt about it. But I think the piece I wrote for my other blog might explain it better for you.

“Feeling  smaller and heavier as the days go by,
Counting minutes of the hour
With shaky hands over paperwork
Forehead against closed fists I try to stay calm.
Deep breaths, and ginger ale.
Finding a pill for sleep, a pill for nausea, a pill for this or that between my fingertips.
With hot cheeks and hot tears I can’t remain calm.
And frustration with myself and the body I don’t control sends me home.
“I can do the day” is my new mantra,
But it tailspins into a backwards version,
And dizzy head and dizzy heart I leave the bathroom.
How do you tell your coworker who says you’re looking down today,
The words stuck beneath your tongue,
Behind that stupid, fragile smile,
That you can barely manage to arrange on your face anymore.
The house still rumbles when the bus goes by,
And the fan still hums in the corner.
He held my ribs together with his arms.
Passed me kleenex and said I can talk if I want to.
I got out two sentences and then focused on breathing.
I’ll just focus on breathing. “

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The Nitty Gritty

When I started this blog, I really didn’t think it would be such a focused blog. I read about how to “successfully run a blog”, but that wasn’t really my main goal. I just wanted a place to type it all out. Maybe get some feedback from lovely strangers… But I didn’t imagine it would be so entangled with my life.

I experienced a panic attack this weekend. It was the scariest, most out of control thing I have ever endured. And my boyfriend was really really helpful about it. Once I’d had a considerable cry, and wasn’t able to stop, he hugged me and asked me to focus on breathing deeply. We sat there for a while, him breathing with me. Then he slowly asked questions: What was bothering me? Why was I upset?

I traced back to my conversation with a co-worker about being sick for so long. He has asked me if I was stressed, and I replied I haven’t had a job this stress-free for seven years. He shook his head and said that he meant life stress too, that stress doesn’t always come from work. Our conversation got interrupted and we didn’t resume it. However, the thought of what could be stressing me out made me think.

For most of my life I have been aware that I am not comfortable with myself. I stay busy all of the time, scheduling every minute of my day has been “just how I am”. But maybe that’s contributing my health issues now.

I spent half my weekend trying to not panic about having another panic attack. I was so worried about it happening again, that I couldn’t focus on anything else. I am happy to say that I did stop worrying about for the other half of the weekend, but even now it’s on the edge of my mind.

If you’ve ever experienced panic attacks, what did you do? I tried the following:

  • deep breathing
  • guided meditation
  • a bubble bath with spearmint and eucalyptus
  • talking with my boyfriend

I also texted my step-mom who had experienced panic attacks a few years ago. I asked her what steps she took. She said to not hide it, that having someone talk to you during an attack helps, and to not worry about it (though it’s easier said than done she admitted). She said they went away after a while, and she did get a prescription from her doctor for a fast acting pill to have with her. She said just having it with her made her feel better, it was more of a safety blanket than anything. We both agreed that in our case, the thing we feared most was a lack of control. It was really helpful to talk to her. She was honest and said that in certain situations she can still get an attack, but she knows what it is, and finds that if she chooses the “fight” option of the “fight or flight” running through, then it often eases up. 

My aunt suggested I see a therapist. I will go and see one. It feels a little bit silly, although I know that it isn’t. I just get hung up on the fact that I only saw a councilor when I experienced big, emotional events in my life. And this doesn’t feel like that level of a problem. But maybe it is. I certainly don’t sit down and deal with problems, I go so far as to acknowledge something that is upsetting and then I move on. 

So there we have it folks, I really truly am going to have deal with myself and get some damn peace! I know it won’t be an overnight change. Hell it might not even be a ten step guide, it sounds more like I’ll have to learn it and re-learn it my whole life. But I’d rather be comfortable with myself I think.Who knows? Maybe it will help with my stomach issues!

 

Hope you are staying happy and healthy folks, I’m off to enjoy some reading in the sun before dinner with my boyfriend and his mom.  ❤

Cat Therapy, Specialists and Day to Day Drama

I know, I know. This update is long overdue. I can’t even remember what I last posted about! I would promise to update more often, but really… let’s not get too serious 😉

So I have been nauseous for about three or four months constantly. I was absolutely certain that it was a gluten intolerance, however my test results came back normal for gluten sensitivity. I was both surprised and extremely frustrated. I have gone to a walk in, went to the hospital (because along with the nausea was a sharp on and off abdominal pain.) and went to see my doctor. I was tested by all of the above for pregnancy (and great news, no babies!) and they all chalked it up to a flu or a virus. About three weeks ago I was a scary level of sick all night, I went to the hospital in the wee hours for an IV, and was given a medication for the nausea. Ever heard of Maxeran? I found out the day after that I am the rare percent that is allergic to it. I had muscle spasms in my face and neck. I felt silly going to the emergency on a Sunday because “my neck felt like it was pulling my head up”, but I am glad I went. I quickly went from feeling funny, to experiencing face muscle spasms and my jaw becoming unaligned and let me tell you… if you ever have a reaction anything like this, seek medical attention immediately. I am fully recovered from that escapade, but still am puzzled by the nausea. There’s many options, and I am being referred to a specialist to get to the bottom of this. In the mean time, I roll with the punches. Some days I’m fine, and some days I spend most of the day in the bathroom.

In other news, my cat also had some doctor face time at her vet appointment the other day. The poor thing hates the kennel and the vet alike, because of last year when she was really sick. She had a clean bill of health, and isn’t even overweight. She still loves me too, I am happy to report!

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And… I’ll save the family drama for another post I think. It’s simply draining to keep up with this group of strangers that expect me to jump into roles with them. I feel like I’m playing a dangerous high-school-clique-land-mine-field. I can’t even think about their latest insanity these days. I just get overwhelmed and frustrated. God knows I am overwhelmed and frustrated with enough things these days!

I do hope your days are less overwhelming and frustrating. I do look forward to typing up a few more posts in the near future. I forget how therapeutic it is to arrange all the day to day craziness and post it to lovely strangers and friends like yourselves! 😉

 

 

Take care.

Getting Fit Resolution of 2014

 

 

I am in no way shape or form (all puns intended) a health nut. I love pasta. I love cake. I love the SunChips, Cheezies, Pretzels, Nacho chip Munchie Mix, and given the opportunity, will devour an entire bag all to myself. HOWEVER. I’ve had enough of throwing clothing all through out the bedroom in frustration of feeling awful in all of it. I have had enough of being winded running up three flights of stairs. I hated how embarrassed I felt going on a hike with my friends in Alberta and lasting all of five minutes. I have had enough! Plain and simple!

 

So far using the bike my boyfriend got me for Christmas has been great. I do yoga, I bike, I walk the dog a bit, sometimes I shovel snow.. (and that itself could be an Olympic Sport… Except Canadians would win that every time and the rest of the world would sulk about it) I am happy to say that I am making progress too! Today I burned 50 more calories than yesterday on my 45 minute spin, and went 2.5 miles more than when I first started out end of December! Want to know my secret motivation tip????

 

PINTERESTOBVIOUSLY.

I kid you not folks, I bike my butt off furiously looking at those cheezy motivational pins, scrolling through cute outfits I want to be comfortable in, pinning that bikini I want to rock this summer … All while listening to Dubstep and Pop Remixes so loud the dog is confused by it. I even have a Get on that Bike Board! (That I may or may not pin to while sitting on the couch watching “Just one more episode” of House Hunters)

 

Below is a photo of my favorite post maniac bike work out smoothie. Maybe I should patent that… But here’s the recipe if you want to try it out!

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Post Maniac Bike Work Out Smoothie:

1 small banana sliced

1/3 cup frozen raspberries

1 cup of vanilla fat free yogurt

2 tsp oatmeal

1 ice cube

1/3 cup no sugar added orange juice.

Pop it on your Magic Bullet and Blend!!!

One final update. I applied for a receptionist position at my best friend’s insurance firm. My cover letter basically screamed hire me, and the resume was tailored for the job (as it should be) so my fingers, toes and eyes are crossed that I get this full time job! I want my life to continue! I’m sick of being on pause in part time jobs that I hate!

Anyway. I hope you have a fantastic day, that you love that smoothie recipe (you’re welcome) and that I didn’t bore your face off with my fitness ramblings 😉

Resting Up

Tuckered out from keeping us up?

As you might now know, I moved my cat into my new location a couple days ago.  She has proved to be the most evil and troublesome little feline once about 2 am strikes. She has put my boyfriend and I through a second night of terror, right up until 6 am.  We are both running off of fumes of sleep.

Along with preparation for classes in the fall, I am still in the process of unpacking.  I still have my last two weeks to work at my retail job.  So life is still busy.  But what did I expect?  That I would breeze through life now that I am blogging about it?  Not so much.

Anyway, I am using this app called Noom for the Android.  It’s a weight loss coach, because on top of stressing out about regular adult things, I am unhappy with my belly pudge and my lack of cardio.  That combined with my financial stress over forgetting to pack lunches and having to buy them… well it leads to a bunch of un-needed stresses.  All of which are preventable by time management.

The beauty of this app, is that it reminds me to eat, and the food log is easy as pie (mm pie) and it tracks my steps, gives me short articles to read as a I travel to work, and reminds to rest and relax.

 It’s like the perfect nagging mother!

Anyway, to keep this post from being a sales pitch on the Noom app…  I had best find some time to lie down or at least squeak in some yoga before work.

Do you have any relaxation actions that you look forward to during the day/week?

Is it your bubble bath?  Catching a few minutes of the TV show that mellows you out?  Is it the workout that allows you to focus blissfully upon only yourself?  Or is it simply those precious minutes in the morning shower, when you let your mind take a breather before it gets cracking on that to do list that never ends?

Whatever it is, try scheduling in some R&R today!  I know I will!

Sleepless and Less Stressful

While I do admit, the amount of sleep my boyfriend and I got last night was minimal at best… I am so grateful to be here.  I spent the night chasing my cat off packed up boxes, off the cat carrier she managed to knock over, and scooping her up to shush her incessant yowling.  It’s been a long night, and the day doesn’t offer much relief. My boyfriend and I both have the afternoon shift…

However.  Yesterday after tidying up the kitchen and getting some laundry out of the way. I sat down and read a book.

How often do you sit down?

Are you like me?  In constant need of moving and activity and productivity?  Is that not unhealthy?  The next time I talk myself out of sitting down and relaxing, I need to remember: It is more selfish to push myself into the scraggly ends of exhaustion, than it is to sit down for twenty minutes and prioritize my energy.

Speaking of prioritizing, I need to attempt coaxing my cat into eating again, before I head off to work.

Have a lovely day, and remember to sit down today 😉