Feeling Messy

Hi folks. We’re a week away from Christmas, and while I am 3/4 of the way ready, and about the same amount excited… the rest of me feels scattered all over the place. I think a good symbol of that is the three projects all in piles around me, and two started in other rooms… 

My grandpa on my mom’s side is celebrating his birthday today, and all I can think is how hard that would be. This close to Christmas, and his birthday, and this year the huge shadow cast on that. He just got in touch with my birth mom this past year or so too. We were texting yesterday, just checking in. He and I agreed that sleep isn’t the same anymore. I wake up most mornings sick feeling and worried, and to distract myself from all that I keep the day busy. 

I called my Dad this afternoon, on a dog walk around the block. He asked if I had talked to my brother lately, and I said I’d text him this afternoon. My brother is stressed about school, he’s a year and a half away from graduating, failing a course, and therefore discouraged to the point of not even going to classes. I don’t want to push or nag him, and I am actually concerned that he is depressed. There’s an alarming amount of teenagers suffering depression. High school pressure isn’t what it used to be. In grade nine we had universities coming in and pushing us to pick degrees and career paths. I remember all to well the overwhelming panic that set in that early. And god, I’m four years into university, half done a degree, and I still feel that way! So anyway, my brother opened up, explained he was confused and let me in a bit. So I sent back a long response, saying I understood, offering advice. He immediately shut down, and now I just feel worse about it.

It’s the same feeling with my sister, she texted me last Friday, letting me know she and our brother are going to a foster home. There’s nothing I can do, not much I can say, and that is so frustrating.

Negative feelings really are a little crack in the dam, and now I’m feeling even heavier. I suppose I’ll get some cookies going, just to keep my hands and mind busy. There’s just so much sadness this year. My family on my stepmom’s side is still reeling from my grandpa’s death in the fall. My friend texted me yesterday, saying a woman from work just lost her daughter in a car accident, the father had finally agreed to see the daughter after two weeks, and on their way back to the mom’s place they got into the accident. My friend was upset, and couldn’t imagine how the mother felt. It really puts a twist in the stomach, to come up on a holiday that is all about family, and be feeling the ache of lost family members.

I hope your families are safe and healthy, and you get to enjoy some cookies too! There’s a lot of snow out here, but it’s pretty to look at, and makes home feel that much cozier. And as my Dad said before we got off the phone: “Do make the most of your time here!” 

Open Arms or Armor?

The funeral is tomorrow.

I’m unsure whether I want to go in a full suit of armor, or completely open and receptive. My personality is leaning toward the armor instinctively, but there are a couple things that are encouraging that choice…

The main one being my Great Aunt… let’s call her Great Aunt May. She is already on one of my last nerves and I haven’t even MET the lady yet. She kicked it off on the wrong foot over the summer when she made clear that she expected all the family – including me – to fly out to B.C. to meet this Great Grandmother that I didn’t know existed.

Now here’s where I’m kind of grateful that I have evolved as a person. The old me totally would have been frantic and guilty and felt obligated to scrounge up money or put a ticket on my visa just to fly out and see people that were never there for me. Wanna know my response?

“I’ll send her a letter if someone gives me her mailing address. But I have a hard enough time affording a plane ticket to visit my own family.”

I never did get that mailing address…

Anyway she’s kicked it up a notch, she asked if her and my other Great Aunt could stay at my boyfriend’s mom’s place. When I made that clear that it couldn’t work out (and that it wasn’t my home to just open up to relatives I’ve never met before) she moved on. And then asked me to pick her and my other great aunt up at the airport and drive them the hour or so out to the town where the funeral will be. When I responded that no, I don’t own a car and couldn’t do that, with apologies even…. she said “Well do you have any idea what a cab would cost from X to Y?” Infuriated I responded “Why no. I don’t. Because like I said. I take transit.”

So I guess I’m a bit on edge and defensive going into this. And I don’t want to be! I want to be open enough that my sister and brother can approach me and that we can meet and bond and they can know undoubtedly that I am there for them.

And here’s where the story gets all Hollywood Reality TV: I don’t know if my Mom’s abusive boyfriend will be at the funeral. Furthermore, I don’t know that I possess the self control to not punch him square in the nose should he approach me. Or my siblings

So it seems the regular cheer up techniques aren’t going to work out for me.

I painted my nails. I’ve listened to music that doesn’t allow me to wallow. I’ve allowed myself moments to be sad. But after talking to my aunt and uncle, my boyfriend, and my boyfriend’s mom I’ve come to the conclusion that:

Grieving never stops.

It might become fewer and fewer between. It might become bittersweet, and it may stop hole-punching into your lungs when it hits. 

I’ve had my heart broken before. I know it gets better. But I don’t know what to say to the six year old who lost our mother. I don’t know what to say to the preteen girl who looks like a mirror image of me at her age, with a matching anger and hopelessness already blooming across her life. I don’t know how to connect to the man who lost his daughter, and doesn’t know this granddaughter.

I don’t know how to answer “How are you?”

I don’t know what to say to “My condolences.”

And I know I’m not alone. I know this isn’t something that I’m the only person dealing with. I know all of you readers have experience loss.

What did you do? How did you respond to family and friends? What did you tell yourself to keep moving?

“Keep moving” has worked pretty well for me this far. Just don’t stop. It allows me to collapse into bed at the end of the day, into the welcoming fog of sleep.

I wish you a cheery Christmas coffee, some cookies and warm things for the snow. 

Off to tidy the room and get some sanity before bed!

xo

Decking the Halls; Receiving Hard News

Last night I lit candles, and played Christmas music. (Songza is the bomb for Christmas music BTW) I washed dishes, and had a beer and laughed with my boyfriend as we put up decorations. It is still surreal to me, that my mom passed away on Friday.

I didn’t know her all that well. She was present in my life for the first few years and then disappeared. She came back in my life just last year. We messaged back and forth on Facebook, many of her family members found me through her, and it was strange to watch my family multiply. And now she’s gone. Just last week I told her we should catch up soon. Just a couple months ago, I thought about when I will be ready to meet her in person. Maybe we’d go get a coffee in her town so close to mine. Maybe we’d meet up for brunch, maybe she loved breakfast food as much as me.

I think what will bring this home and make it real to me, is when my brain and heart fully accepts that none of that can happen now. I think my heart will be drop kicked into mourning when I meet my sister and brother and cry with them.When I think about what will happen to them now, and where they will go and who will care for them. But. Until then, I am on autopilot.

I am cat and house sitting, and so far it has been…. an adventure. There are six litter boxes. They are fed 11 cans of cat food between the 14 of them twice a day. The floor needs sweeping and swiffering daily. They are adorable though! And the energy level is much lower than dogs in here. My favorite is curling up on the couch and they all just settle around and we spend some quiet time. It’s a good distraction.But I am looking forward to my own bed!

Well. With this little grenade of a post, I hope your December is off to a lovely start!