UnEdit

I was going to do a well thought out post today. Explain that I came home sick from work today. And calmly relay to you how terrible I felt about it. But I think the piece I wrote for my other blog might explain it better for you.

“Feeling  smaller and heavier as the days go by,
Counting minutes of the hour
With shaky hands over paperwork
Forehead against closed fists I try to stay calm.
Deep breaths, and ginger ale.
Finding a pill for sleep, a pill for nausea, a pill for this or that between my fingertips.
With hot cheeks and hot tears I can’t remain calm.
And frustration with myself and the body I don’t control sends me home.
“I can do the day” is my new mantra,
But it tailspins into a backwards version,
And dizzy head and dizzy heart I leave the bathroom.
How do you tell your coworker who says you’re looking down today,
The words stuck beneath your tongue,
Behind that stupid, fragile smile,
That you can barely manage to arrange on your face anymore.
The house still rumbles when the bus goes by,
And the fan still hums in the corner.
He held my ribs together with his arms.
Passed me kleenex and said I can talk if I want to.
I got out two sentences and then focused on breathing.
I’ll just focus on breathing. “

Cat Therapy, Specialists and Day to Day Drama

I know, I know. This update is long overdue. I can’t even remember what I last posted about! I would promise to update more often, but really… let’s not get too serious 😉

So I have been nauseous for about three or four months constantly. I was absolutely certain that it was a gluten intolerance, however my test results came back normal for gluten sensitivity. I was both surprised and extremely frustrated. I have gone to a walk in, went to the hospital (because along with the nausea was a sharp on and off abdominal pain.) and went to see my doctor. I was tested by all of the above for pregnancy (and great news, no babies!) and they all chalked it up to a flu or a virus. About three weeks ago I was a scary level of sick all night, I went to the hospital in the wee hours for an IV, and was given a medication for the nausea. Ever heard of Maxeran? I found out the day after that I am the rare percent that is allergic to it. I had muscle spasms in my face and neck. I felt silly going to the emergency on a Sunday because “my neck felt like it was pulling my head up”, but I am glad I went. I quickly went from feeling funny, to experiencing face muscle spasms and my jaw becoming unaligned and let me tell you… if you ever have a reaction anything like this, seek medical attention immediately. I am fully recovered from that escapade, but still am puzzled by the nausea. There’s many options, and I am being referred to a specialist to get to the bottom of this. In the mean time, I roll with the punches. Some days I’m fine, and some days I spend most of the day in the bathroom.

In other news, my cat also had some doctor face time at her vet appointment the other day. The poor thing hates the kennel and the vet alike, because of last year when she was really sick. She had a clean bill of health, and isn’t even overweight. She still loves me too, I am happy to report!

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And… I’ll save the family drama for another post I think. It’s simply draining to keep up with this group of strangers that expect me to jump into roles with them. I feel like I’m playing a dangerous high-school-clique-land-mine-field. I can’t even think about their latest insanity these days. I just get overwhelmed and frustrated. God knows I am overwhelmed and frustrated with enough things these days!

I do hope your days are less overwhelming and frustrating. I do look forward to typing up a few more posts in the near future. I forget how therapeutic it is to arrange all the day to day craziness and post it to lovely strangers and friends like yourselves! 😉

 

 

Take care.

Getting Fit Resolution of 2014

 

 

I am in no way shape or form (all puns intended) a health nut. I love pasta. I love cake. I love the SunChips, Cheezies, Pretzels, Nacho chip Munchie Mix, and given the opportunity, will devour an entire bag all to myself. HOWEVER. I’ve had enough of throwing clothing all through out the bedroom in frustration of feeling awful in all of it. I have had enough of being winded running up three flights of stairs. I hated how embarrassed I felt going on a hike with my friends in Alberta and lasting all of five minutes. I have had enough! Plain and simple!

 

So far using the bike my boyfriend got me for Christmas has been great. I do yoga, I bike, I walk the dog a bit, sometimes I shovel snow.. (and that itself could be an Olympic Sport… Except Canadians would win that every time and the rest of the world would sulk about it) I am happy to say that I am making progress too! Today I burned 50 more calories than yesterday on my 45 minute spin, and went 2.5 miles more than when I first started out end of December! Want to know my secret motivation tip????

 

PINTERESTOBVIOUSLY.

I kid you not folks, I bike my butt off furiously looking at those cheezy motivational pins, scrolling through cute outfits I want to be comfortable in, pinning that bikini I want to rock this summer … All while listening to Dubstep and Pop Remixes so loud the dog is confused by it. I even have a Get on that Bike Board! (That I may or may not pin to while sitting on the couch watching “Just one more episode” of House Hunters)

 

Below is a photo of my favorite post maniac bike work out smoothie. Maybe I should patent that… But here’s the recipe if you want to try it out!

image

Post Maniac Bike Work Out Smoothie:

1 small banana sliced

1/3 cup frozen raspberries

1 cup of vanilla fat free yogurt

2 tsp oatmeal

1 ice cube

1/3 cup no sugar added orange juice.

Pop it on your Magic Bullet and Blend!!!

One final update. I applied for a receptionist position at my best friend’s insurance firm. My cover letter basically screamed hire me, and the resume was tailored for the job (as it should be) so my fingers, toes and eyes are crossed that I get this full time job! I want my life to continue! I’m sick of being on pause in part time jobs that I hate!

Anyway. I hope you have a fantastic day, that you love that smoothie recipe (you’re welcome) and that I didn’t bore your face off with my fitness ramblings 😉

Feeling Messy

Hi folks. We’re a week away from Christmas, and while I am 3/4 of the way ready, and about the same amount excited… the rest of me feels scattered all over the place. I think a good symbol of that is the three projects all in piles around me, and two started in other rooms… 

My grandpa on my mom’s side is celebrating his birthday today, and all I can think is how hard that would be. This close to Christmas, and his birthday, and this year the huge shadow cast on that. He just got in touch with my birth mom this past year or so too. We were texting yesterday, just checking in. He and I agreed that sleep isn’t the same anymore. I wake up most mornings sick feeling and worried, and to distract myself from all that I keep the day busy. 

I called my Dad this afternoon, on a dog walk around the block. He asked if I had talked to my brother lately, and I said I’d text him this afternoon. My brother is stressed about school, he’s a year and a half away from graduating, failing a course, and therefore discouraged to the point of not even going to classes. I don’t want to push or nag him, and I am actually concerned that he is depressed. There’s an alarming amount of teenagers suffering depression. High school pressure isn’t what it used to be. In grade nine we had universities coming in and pushing us to pick degrees and career paths. I remember all to well the overwhelming panic that set in that early. And god, I’m four years into university, half done a degree, and I still feel that way! So anyway, my brother opened up, explained he was confused and let me in a bit. So I sent back a long response, saying I understood, offering advice. He immediately shut down, and now I just feel worse about it.

It’s the same feeling with my sister, she texted me last Friday, letting me know she and our brother are going to a foster home. There’s nothing I can do, not much I can say, and that is so frustrating.

Negative feelings really are a little crack in the dam, and now I’m feeling even heavier. I suppose I’ll get some cookies going, just to keep my hands and mind busy. There’s just so much sadness this year. My family on my stepmom’s side is still reeling from my grandpa’s death in the fall. My friend texted me yesterday, saying a woman from work just lost her daughter in a car accident, the father had finally agreed to see the daughter after two weeks, and on their way back to the mom’s place they got into the accident. My friend was upset, and couldn’t imagine how the mother felt. It really puts a twist in the stomach, to come up on a holiday that is all about family, and be feeling the ache of lost family members.

I hope your families are safe and healthy, and you get to enjoy some cookies too! There’s a lot of snow out here, but it’s pretty to look at, and makes home feel that much cozier. And as my Dad said before we got off the phone: “Do make the most of your time here!” 

Open Arms or Armor?

The funeral is tomorrow.

I’m unsure whether I want to go in a full suit of armor, or completely open and receptive. My personality is leaning toward the armor instinctively, but there are a couple things that are encouraging that choice…

The main one being my Great Aunt… let’s call her Great Aunt May. She is already on one of my last nerves and I haven’t even MET the lady yet. She kicked it off on the wrong foot over the summer when she made clear that she expected all the family – including me – to fly out to B.C. to meet this Great Grandmother that I didn’t know existed.

Now here’s where I’m kind of grateful that I have evolved as a person. The old me totally would have been frantic and guilty and felt obligated to scrounge up money or put a ticket on my visa just to fly out and see people that were never there for me. Wanna know my response?

“I’ll send her a letter if someone gives me her mailing address. But I have a hard enough time affording a plane ticket to visit my own family.”

I never did get that mailing address…

Anyway she’s kicked it up a notch, she asked if her and my other Great Aunt could stay at my boyfriend’s mom’s place. When I made that clear that it couldn’t work out (and that it wasn’t my home to just open up to relatives I’ve never met before) she moved on. And then asked me to pick her and my other great aunt up at the airport and drive them the hour or so out to the town where the funeral will be. When I responded that no, I don’t own a car and couldn’t do that, with apologies even…. she said “Well do you have any idea what a cab would cost from X to Y?” Infuriated I responded “Why no. I don’t. Because like I said. I take transit.”

So I guess I’m a bit on edge and defensive going into this. And I don’t want to be! I want to be open enough that my sister and brother can approach me and that we can meet and bond and they can know undoubtedly that I am there for them.

And here’s where the story gets all Hollywood Reality TV: I don’t know if my Mom’s abusive boyfriend will be at the funeral. Furthermore, I don’t know that I possess the self control to not punch him square in the nose should he approach me. Or my siblings

So it seems the regular cheer up techniques aren’t going to work out for me.

I painted my nails. I’ve listened to music that doesn’t allow me to wallow. I’ve allowed myself moments to be sad. But after talking to my aunt and uncle, my boyfriend, and my boyfriend’s mom I’ve come to the conclusion that:

Grieving never stops.

It might become fewer and fewer between. It might become bittersweet, and it may stop hole-punching into your lungs when it hits. 

I’ve had my heart broken before. I know it gets better. But I don’t know what to say to the six year old who lost our mother. I don’t know what to say to the preteen girl who looks like a mirror image of me at her age, with a matching anger and hopelessness already blooming across her life. I don’t know how to connect to the man who lost his daughter, and doesn’t know this granddaughter.

I don’t know how to answer “How are you?”

I don’t know what to say to “My condolences.”

And I know I’m not alone. I know this isn’t something that I’m the only person dealing with. I know all of you readers have experience loss.

What did you do? How did you respond to family and friends? What did you tell yourself to keep moving?

“Keep moving” has worked pretty well for me this far. Just don’t stop. It allows me to collapse into bed at the end of the day, into the welcoming fog of sleep.

I wish you a cheery Christmas coffee, some cookies and warm things for the snow. 

Off to tidy the room and get some sanity before bed!

xo

Writing Letters

I’ve always revered the old fashioned. Ideally I would have been born in the time of hoop skirts, homemaking and one building schools. Growing up, Little House on the Prairie was sheer perfection. And it’s funny how little things have become so “old fashioned”… like writing letters. 

A few times a fellow student will sit down at the table I’m at, and we’ll chat about class and life and work, and they’ll point to the letter I’m writing and say “Homework?” with a raised eye brow. And I laugh and say, “No. I’m writing a letter.” And every time I get something along the lines of “Oh how sweet, I didn’t know anyone did that anymore.”

I love mail! I love opening something, and seeing someone’s handwriting, and knowing that they sat down and wrote however many pages of their life down so that I could read it. It isn’t a 160 character touch base, it isn’t a phone call (that I often don’t have time for, caught between evening shifts or class) but it’s personal, and sweet and maybe a touch old fashioned.

I successfully sent off a Wedding RSVP, two cards for both my Omi and Opi (German for Grandma and Grandpa) and my Grandma, and a full three page letter to my Stepmom. 

My Stepmom is trying. She really is. She mentioned my grandpa (her dad) in every other paragraph of her letter. She said she’s trying to live a bit more like he did, worry less and enjoy the day. I’m proud of her. She and I are a lot alike. We stress over the little, uncontrollable things, and it disrupts us and puts our mood off, ruins a day, taints a memory. I’m glad she’s trying to get rid of it also. I’ve been trying with yoga and deep breaths and personal reminders and the “I’m Grateful For” game. (It’s hard to be frustrated with anything when you’re mentally listing every positive thing in your life you can think of)

It was in writing my mom back that I realized how adult my life sounds. I told her about our couple friends, double dates, my boyfriend and my’s plans about saving for a house, my reading about what career would best suit me…. And I like it. I’m not anxious about it. I like that I’m easing into adulthood. I really have my boyfriend’s mom to thank for that. It would have been a two footed jump into ice-cold reality had a moved into my own apartment after leaving my friend’s home. And I’m well aware of that reality I’ve avoided for the time being (rent, bills, hydro, internet, grocery trips…. jeepers.)

Anyway. I’ve just come back from walking the dog in those crisp multicolored leaves! And I really have some studying to do. So I wish you a very good evening, and some happy mail 😉

 

The Blues.

Lately. Days have been harder. I’ve woken up feeling sad, unmotivated or “muted”. Like I am just going through the motions. It hasn’t been a full week of it, and I am not dwelling on it. 

I talked to my Dad about it. It could be simply emotions from my Grampa passing. It could be Seasonal Affective Disorder, which actually is quite interesting and you can read about it here. It could be, God forbid, hormonal. 

But whatever it is, I’m being as proactive about it as possible. And I thought I’d share my sadness combating techniques!

 

  1. Go for a walk.  Bundle up, grab the dog’s leash, put on your sunglasses. Get out and get moving and breathe in some fresh air.
  2. Do something for someone else. It almost always works for me.
  3. Paint your toenails. When I was in middle school I read a silly little article about cheering yourself up in a magazine. They suggested painting your nails something bright. And it’s been a little habit ever since!
  4. Eat your vitamins. I always feel a bit off balance if I don’t take mine.
  5. Escape. Read a book. Go for a drive to a part of town you don’t know many people. Treat yourself to coffee. Buy yourself flowers.
  6. Listen to music that makes you smile. It’s too easy to get sadder and over-think everything if you’re listening to sad tunes.
  7. Eat chocolate. (In case it’s the Dementors gettin’ you down)
  8. Check something off your to-do list. Doesn’t have to be big. Just do that one little thing to make you feel like you were productive and it might lift you up just enough.
  9. Call someone. Not text. Call. Better yet, meet someone for a chat. Focusing on someone else, or talking about what could be getting you down can really make you feel lighter. I always call my Dad because he’s sensible and logical and just sensitive enough to “get it”.
  10. Just be the emotion. Are you hurt? Are you sad? Are you angry? Resentful? Do you feel like crying? Do it. The release of tears is a chemical reliever for the body and you might have just needed a good cry! 

And there’s my list! I’ve done almost everything on that list to get myself back up there. Some days it works better than others. I try not to give myself too much time unoccupied because I know myself, and I know that I’ll get down or lonely feeling. 

Do you have any go to tricks to boost your mood?

 

Well I hope your evening is lovely and thank you for dropping by to read my sporadic posts! ❤