UnEdit

I was going to do a well thought out post today. Explain that I came home sick from work today. And calmly relay to you how terrible I felt about it. But I think the piece I wrote for my other blog might explain it better for you.

“Feeling  smaller and heavier as the days go by,
Counting minutes of the hour
With shaky hands over paperwork
Forehead against closed fists I try to stay calm.
Deep breaths, and ginger ale.
Finding a pill for sleep, a pill for nausea, a pill for this or that between my fingertips.
With hot cheeks and hot tears I can’t remain calm.
And frustration with myself and the body I don’t control sends me home.
“I can do the day” is my new mantra,
But it tailspins into a backwards version,
And dizzy head and dizzy heart I leave the bathroom.
How do you tell your coworker who says you’re looking down today,
The words stuck beneath your tongue,
Behind that stupid, fragile smile,
That you can barely manage to arrange on your face anymore.
The house still rumbles when the bus goes by,
And the fan still hums in the corner.
He held my ribs together with his arms.
Passed me kleenex and said I can talk if I want to.
I got out two sentences and then focused on breathing.
I’ll just focus on breathing. “

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Cat Therapy, Specialists and Day to Day Drama

I know, I know. This update is long overdue. I can’t even remember what I last posted about! I would promise to update more often, but really… let’s not get too serious ūüėČ

So I have been nauseous for about three or four months constantly. I was absolutely certain that it was a gluten intolerance, however my test results came back normal for gluten sensitivity. I was both surprised and extremely frustrated. I have gone to a walk in, went to the hospital (because along with the nausea was a sharp on and off abdominal pain.) and went to see my doctor. I was tested by all of the above for pregnancy (and great news, no babies!) and they all chalked it up to a flu or a virus. About three weeks ago I was a scary level of sick all night, I went to the hospital in the wee hours for an IV, and was given a medication for the nausea. Ever heard of Maxeran? I found out the day after that I am the rare percent that is allergic to it. I had muscle spasms in my face and neck. I felt silly going to the emergency on a Sunday because “my neck felt like it was pulling my head up”, but I am glad I went. I quickly went from feeling funny, to experiencing face muscle spasms and my jaw becoming unaligned and let me tell you… if you ever have a reaction anything like this, seek medical attention immediately. I am fully recovered from that escapade, but still am puzzled by the nausea. There’s many options, and I am being referred to a specialist to get to the bottom of this. In the mean time, I roll with the punches. Some days I’m fine, and some days I spend most of the day in the bathroom.

In other news, my cat also had some doctor face time at her vet appointment the other day. The poor thing hates the kennel and the vet alike, because of last year when she was really sick. She had a clean bill of health, and isn’t even overweight. She still loves me too, I am happy to report!

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And… I’ll save the family drama for another post I think. It’s simply draining to keep up with this group of strangers that expect me to jump into roles with them. I feel like I’m playing a dangerous high-school-clique-land-mine-field. I can’t even think about their latest insanity these days. I just get overwhelmed and frustrated. God knows I am overwhelmed and frustrated with enough things these days!

I do hope your days are less overwhelming and frustrating. I do look forward to typing up a few more posts in the near future. I forget how therapeutic it is to arrange all the day to day craziness and post it to lovely strangers and friends like yourselves! ūüėČ

 

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Take care.

Hello Again World,

February was a long month. It was a month of being very very sick and then I got better, and then I got worse. You don’t need the details, but I’m waiting to hear back about test results and I am not doing much better in the mean time.

I am stuck wrestling the frustration of a long winter, with the rest of us Canadians. There is something disheartening about muddy snow covered streets, exponentially higher car accidents and the constant bundling up against wind chills.

The good news is. I have finally secured a full time job. Yes folks, I have joined the ranks of the “real adults” working 8am to 430pm. I even moved into my own desk on Friday. On Monday I plan on prettifying it a little bit with my own calendar and maybe a photo. I called my Grandma today and she suggested flowers. Apartment Therapy suggested that too, there is nothing fresher or more satisfying to the eye than flowers! Especially with no windows back there.

This weekend was some tough talk with family members. I called my Grandpa on my biological mother’s side. We talked about the controversy over her death, and where the paperwork was sitting for him to have custody of my brother and sister. He said he’d keep me in the loop, which I appreciate. I worry about them! It’s strange to slip into the role of granddaughter with him and his wife. Hell, it’s strange being in the role of family member with that side of the family, period! But I’d rather be in touch with them than not.

I also called my Omi and Opi. They didn’t pick up. And they’ve disabled their voicemail. So I wrote them the most straightforward letter I have ever written. I let them know that my Opi’s sister called me to ask if they were ok, but I didn’t know because they haven’t talked to me. I let them know this past half a year I had two family members pass away, that I got a new job, and that I was frustrated with reaching out to them and have them not respond. I let them know that I’ve learned life is short, and that I get angry with them sometimes when I think about all the letters and phone calls they haven’t replied to. I didn’t ask for an apology, I just asked that they be a part of my life, because they are after all, a part of my family. I don’t know what else to do as far as they are concerned. I haven’t decided if this is my final attempt with them, or if maybe when I am out West I’ll just show up at their door and invite them for coffee.

While this wasn’t the most uplifting of posts, it was some things on my emotional and mental to do lists’ that I’ve been putting off checking off. Now that they are done I’m going to enjoy a book, maybe do a bit of tidying up, and then eat dinner with the amazing people I live with. Because they make me so happy! (And there is Sesame Chicken on the menu for dinner tonight and folks, it is to die for.)

Enjoy the last bit of your weekend lovelies! And chin up, spring is in the air! ‚̧

Beyond

My cat has been “sick” for four days. She had a surgery to rid her of internal bleeding and then was hospitalized for a few nights and then treated for a cat blood disorder.

I am beyond stressed, beyond cigarettes; beyond sleepless.

I am in that fuzzy grey area between not caring and caring so much it aches.

She has spent the day on my lap, we sat by the window, and slept on the bed. And ?I raced through frivolous human activities like eating and showering so I could curl up by the window with her again.

She purrs and sleeps, and fights me to take the cone off her head.  She groomed herself today and I nearly cried to see her doing a normal activity.

I hope the blood results tonight are improved. I want my baby back to normal.